Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Dear Men of Craigslist

In a previous post, I mentioned that I love to read personal ads on Craigslist. My old roommate and I used to read them for hours and laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Does that make me a mean person? Yeah, probably, but it's a cheap form of entertainment.

I once wrote a list of tips on how to write a personal ad and posted it on Craigslist. It made a few guys (mostly the ones who had done all of the things I said not to do) really, really mad, and they sent me some very angry (and very grammatically incorrect) emails; other guys who read it wanted to date and/or marry me. One actually invited me to a gala (I didn't go).

I thought I'd lost the personal ad advice letter forever, but it turns out that I saved a copy in my email account, so I'm going to post it at the request of Dr. Zibbs. I've edited it a bit, but it appears below in its (almost) original form.



Dear Men of Craigslist,

Last night, my roommate and I were very entertained by reading some of your personal ads. While we'd never mock your desire to find a good (or not-so-good, in some cases) woman, your methods of doing so are sometimes less than impressive. You should be yourself in a personal ad, but perhaps a more polished version of yourself would make a better impression. As my good deed of the day, I've decided to offer the following tips to help you in your online quest for love:

- I'm sure that there are many, many wonderful things about you that make you a great catch. List those things, but please don't lie, especially when we can tell you're lying just by reading your ad. Its harrd 2, beleeve u, wen u say "im intligant and Vary, wel educatid" wen ur sintinces, Look lik thiis.

-While we're on the subject of grammar and spelling errors, allow me to make the following suggestions: 1. Spell check and grammar check should be your new best friends. Type your ad in Microsoft Word, and fix the spelling and grammatical errors before you post it. 2. Capital letters go at the beginning of sentences and at the beginning of proper nouns (your name, for example). Lower case letters go everywhere else. YOUR AD SHOULD NOT LOOK LIKE YOUR CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS STUCK. 3. "It's" means "it is." "Its" means "belonging to it." “You’re” means “you are.” “Your” means “belonging to you.” Jot this down on a post-it note and stick it to your computer screen.

-This is the forum in which to tell your readers why they should want to date you, not to inform the world of what a cheating whore your ex-wife was, or how you'd love to stab your ex-girlfriend in the liver, or how you don't want any fat girls or sluts. In fact, the words "slut" and "fat" have no place in a personal ad to begin with. Remove them from your internet dating vocabulary.

-In the movie "Jurassic Park," one of the characters says "I'm always on the lookout for a future ex-Mrs. Malcolm." That movie was made in 1993; the "future ex-wife" joke has gotten a lot less funny in the 16 years since then.

-Nobody wants to see a picture of your penis. Trust me. Even if you have a huge one, a girl looking at it is not going to be impressed... she's going to wonder what kind of weirdo would post a pornographic picture of himself on the internet for complete strangers to see.

-If you make a list of 75 required attributes that a future date must have before you'll even think about meeting them, you might want to consider the fact that being too picky is the reason you're still single.

I hope this helps you find success in searching for Ms. Right.

Love,
A Fan

29 comments:

skinnylattemama said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog!! Your blog is cute and I LOVE yur profile pic!!!

Tuesday Girl said...

I have read the personal ads on craiglist with my friends for hours together- on the phone!
They stupidity of the dating pool makes me really happy I am married!

Jossie Posie said...

I love that this is the first post of yours I read. It makes me sad for single girls everywhere. Oh wait. Shit.

Dr Zibbs said...

Well done Tova.

Sassy Britches said...

This is RICH! I love it. I really don't think you said anything in any way that could be misconstrued and cause anyone to call you by the "b" word. I think it's (I stopped to make sure I was using the apostrophe appropriately--I hate that too!) well thought out and appropriate. I can see why you received the requests for a date! :)

AngieS said...

This is hilarious. I wonder if any of the ones who protested actually took your advice.
(Tova, if I'm breaking some blog etiquette here, I'll understand if you delete this comment. I'm still kind of a blog newbie)....

I read another blog, by Julie at 47 and starting over, she has posted about online profiles, and even correspondence with some of these crazy guys. So funny, check them out.

(and if I have committed a faux pas by suggesting another blog via your comments, please let me know so I don't embarass myself again. Thanks)

steph anne said...

OMG, haha I love it! Why not post it on Craigslist and see what kind of responses you get again? since I'm really curious to see what the responses were.

Chloie said...

That's hilarious!!!

NikeRun said...

This is great! I love it.

This makes me think about the book Five Things I Can't Live Without by Holly Shumas where the main character rewrites dating profiles for her job.

Moi said...

My best friend and I use to read the yahoo personals in college and find people we knew on campus. it was very fun.
i had no idea there were personals on craigslist.
cute post-

.::~P~::. said...

AHAHAH Someone HAD to do it!

I used to do that too with my roommate in college...and I agree with your add 100%!!!

Island Girl said...

Haha! That's hilarious! Glad you did your good deed!

Cora said...

Oh my gosh, that's hilarious! Hee hee hee. I've never checked out the personal ads on Craigslist. Now I kind of want to for a good laugh.

Kristy said...

That is hilarious! I am a teacher, so I completely appreciate the grammar tips. Incorrect grammar/spelling/structure drives me crazy!

Megan said...

Hahahahaha Love it!

Emma said...

haha I love craigslist, but I love your post even more, because it is so true!!! I enjoyed reading this, thanks for the smiles it brought me tonight!

Always a Bridesmaid said...

OMG, I was laughing out loud at the grammar lesson. (Truth be told, that could probably be forwarded to many people I know.)

Brilliant.

Cheryl said...

HAHAHAHAH that list is HILARIOUS, and so true. Man there are some of the weirdest personal ads on Craigslist. Actually, they're not all just on Craigslist. They are on every single dating website out there.

Greg said...

I'm glad I'm taken so I don't have to even consider this an option. That said, I don't think it ever would have crossed my mind to post a picture of my penis on the Internet. That's really taking things to the next level.

kim said...

such a perfect take on craigslist ads. Love it.

PS- I posted an awkward story on my blog. I'm a day late, but at least I did it.

PS- the security word for me to post this comment was poopint.

Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

You're so entertaining, Tova. My next dinner party, I'm inviting you as the guest of honor. BTW, did you know there is a Best of Craigslist? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/ It's constantly being updated.

The Panic Room said...

Ha-larious.

Morgan the Muse said...

That is great. I like it. ^.^

But yeah, I can see why they were not all impressed.

Leetid said...

That is very funny!!!!

I got to check out the personals now just to see how bad they really are!

pinkjellybaby said...

I don't think I will ever get why guys put penis pictures up on sites like that... I hate that women put up boob pictures but at least they can say that it gets them some attention!

Ronnica said...

As a single girl, I think that you hit on the major points. Not that I go cruising the ads, but if I were...

Fancy Schmancy said...

Brilliant! This is the reason that no one can compare with my need to be single...

Vanessa Rogers said...

maybe I should read the craigs list personal adverts for entertainment as well! Hilarious!

Fancy Schmancy said...

I BOWWE DOWNE AT THE FEEEET, OF YOU'RE INTELIGANT'S. U R A FUNNEE GIRRL. WILL U MARY MEEE???!!!

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks. ~ Calvin & Hobbes