Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Tova's Totally Awkward Tuesday

Ugh, sorry it's been a while, folks! I have this random cold/sinus thing going on, yet again, so I'm every bit as sexy right now as you might imagine. Woo hoo! I have an appointment with my doctor on Wednesday, so wish me luck!

Anyway... I couldn't let a week go by and just leave you guys hanging for Totally Awkward Tuesday! That would be cruel! Also, when I'm solidly back among the land of the living, I really need to catch up on all of your blogs.

This week's TAT is about a shirt. Again. Apparently, a large part of being awkward is owning awkward clothing. (Ask Snarky Much and her Thai fisherman pants if you don't believe me.)

Back in high school, I dated a guy who will from now on be referred to as "the good ex:" we dated for two years, he's a genuinely nice guy, he never stalked or harassed me after we broke up, and we still stay in touch periodically.

I also had a shirt in high school. (Well, ok, a lot more than one shirt, but today I will single out just one particular shirt.) I got the shirt on sale somewhere, and at the time, I thought it was kind of cool. It was a white sleeveless shirt, similar in cut to this one:

But across the chest (and - I cannot stress this part strongly enough - when I say "across the chest," I mean at least six inches above the top of my boobs) there was a horizontal slit, with grommets evenly spaced above and below the slit, and then there were safety pins (regular, small safety pins) through the grommets, holding the slit closed. My masterful use of Paint Shop will give you an idea of what I mean:



(Admit it, you're jealous of the artistic talent I displayed there.) The shirt showed a centimeter of skin on my upper chest/neck at most, and keep in mind that I have small boobs, so there was no cleavage visible. So, I'd worn the shirt half a dozen times or so, and no one (including my very conservative parents) had ever expressed any objection to it. Until, of course, I wore it to my ex-boyfriend's house.

Here's the scene: I walk in the door with the good ex, and his mom is sitting at the dining room table, talking to her sister (the mother of one of my classmates) on the phone. The second I come through the door, the good ex's mom screams, "Ohmygosh!! Tova, what are you wearing???" Before I could even come up with the right answer (clothes?), she yells into the phone, "You would not believe what Tova is wearing right now! She is wearing a shirt with a huge hole directly across her boobs, and there are pins in it!"

After looking down at my shirt to make sure that it hadn't somehow morphed into the scandalous shirt that she was describing, the good ex and I escaped to the basement. The good ex went upstairs for a few minutes to get something, and his mom took that opportunity to come down and have a "serious discussion" with me about my shirt. After informing me that I apparently didn't realize what "wearing revealing clothing can do to men," she delivered the final, awkward blow by saying, "As soon as I saw that shirt, the first thing I thought of was kinky sex."

...

Ummm.... I can't speak for the rest of you, but I've never had sex that involved safety pins, and at the time she said this to me, I had never had sex of any kind at all. I sat there, in intense mortification, and refused to acknowledge that she was speaking or even in the same room. It was horrifying. I did, however, wear the shirt more times after that - never around her - (until I spilled something on it and stained it), and received several compliments on it. For the remainder of its life, the shirt was referred to as "the kinky sex shirt." Interestingly enough, the good ex's mom continued to want her son to marry me until well after we'd broken up. Go figure.

Go write your own Totally Awkward story, then read everyone else's. But if you've ever had kinky sex that involved safety pins, I'm not sure I want to know about it.

27 comments:

missBee said...

Haha that's great. BF mums are always so uncomfortable!

Love the top, looks like something I would've worn!

Sassy Britches said...

Still wanted yo to marry him...the poor woman was obsessed with the fact that her son would never be able to have the kinky sex after you broke up. I'm not sure I'd want my mother thinking of me and kinky sex in the same sentence; poor fella! (I clearly just like saying the words kinky sex, as this is the third time I've said it in as many sentences)!

raf said...

..OMG!If that was sexy...
I cannot imagine how she managed to conceive her son..she must have felt so 'dirty'!

ÄsK AliCë said...

Maybe the whole "hole in the clothing" thing threw her off...I guess it can be considered scandalous? Maybe she put it on the same plateau as those jeans with the pockets cut out...No wait, nothing could be as awkward as those.

Wilwarin said...

one of my friends mums told her to marry an orphan so she wouldn't have to deal with the mother in law!
the sad thing is it looks like a cool shirt!

Ann's Rants said...

I lOVE that shirt. But boyfriend's moms historically scared me way more than my MIL ever did. xo Glad you're back.

Ryan Ashley Scott@Optimistic Cynicism said...

Some mothers just want their kids to have kinky sex forever, I guess.

Ugh, aren't you glad you didn't marry into THAT! She sounds like the type to tell you, if she thinks her son isn't happy, that it must be something you are not doing for him in the bedroom.

How Awkward!

Fabulously Broke said...

Wow. :) "IT'S THE BOOB GIRL!"

Former Fat Chick said...

She obviusly was into Kinky sex, that's all I got say!

Anne said...

sounds really kinky..well, no it actually doesn't! I am marveling at your artistic talents.

Get well soon! Happy Awkward Day!

Call Me Cate said...

I can't remember what your day job is but if you're not working as a graphics guru somewhere, your talents are being wasted.

Also, the shirt sounds fine. I've had my share of awkward moments with then-boyfriends' mothers. And my own mother has caused a few. They never became any easier to deal with though!

Dr Zibbs said...

HAhha - Good one.

Fancy Schmancy said...

The woman was out of her mind, apparently. It reminds me of an old joke: What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic involves using a feather, kinky involves using the whole chicken. Ba-dum-ching!

Moi said...

yikes! I would be so embarassed - I cant believe she said the words "kinky sex" to you - who knows what kinda family you could have married into!

Legallyblondemel said...

Awesome. That story is a keeper - as that shirt would be, I imagine.

Morgan the Muse said...

I do not want to know about that either.

That is very awkward. Ouch.

SkylersDad said...

He he he, great talent with the photoshopping, and another great story

Emma said...

that is hilarious... I used to have a similar shit in HS.. haha

Impulsive Addict said...

OMG! You poor girl!!

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

OMG! That is hilarious... Kinky sex! Because of a shirt with safety pins? Thank goodness she didn't know about your future proclivity for pole dancing! :D

Snarky A. said...

Ha ha! That is hilarious! BF moms really are nuts sometimes!
I sure know my MIL is!

Jules said...

Can you even IMAGINE saying that to future son's girlfriend??? Hilarious!

*Kelly Marie* said...

hehehe great story!! :-) my post is about awkward roommate situations. come see!

greedygrace said...

LOL! Kinky sex... totally awkward!

I'm loving this! I'll have to think of something for next week!

A said...

Maybe it was just the peekaboo factor of the shirt that threw her off...maybe she saw it in a video...hmm, maybe you should look for one on ebay to wear for Mr. Darling!

Allison M. said...

holy shit, that is awesome. Remember when backless tank tops were in - you know, only a tie in the back. Yep, she once asked me where the rest of my shirt was - um, it was the style. I was skinny and young and wouldn't try to pull that off ever AGAIN.

J&D said...

 

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In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks. ~ Calvin & Hobbes