Thursday, April 2, 2009

Help Pay for Her Wedding?

So, there's been some chatter here and there about a new blog, Help Me Pay For My Wedding. Basically, it's a girl who recently got engaged, she can't afford to pay for the wedding she wants, and so she's asking other people to donate a dollar or two to help her afford a nice wedding.

You're welcome to feel however you want about the topic. Wanna know how I feel? The first quote that she has on today's blog entry was written by me! Ta Da! I'm famous! In case you don't want to go to her blog, here's what I said:

"My first reaction when I saw this wasn’t particularly positive. And then I thought about it some more, and frankly… if people want to help you pay for your wedding, who am I to judge? My parents (without my knowledge) started saving up for my wedding my freshman year of college, so by the time I got engaged, there was already a hefty wedding account with my name on it. I (much like you) had always wanted a gorgeous wedding, and thanks to my parents, I got one. If my parents hadn’t decided to start saving before I even met Prince Charming, who knows what I would’ve done to pay for my wedding. Good luck! I hope that your wedding is beautiful! Please keep us posted on how much you raise."

Ok, so, now that you know how I feel, I'm not going to get into more detail about whether she's brilliant/tacky/disgusting/a genius (all words that people have used to describe her on other forums.) Everyone's entitled to their own opinion.

Here's what's ticking me off about a lot of the negative comments. People keep saying things like:
"not only do i think she is a spoiled brat with an attitude of entitlement and absolutely no shame, i think that the people who are donating money to her shuld find something else to donate money to that might be slightly more meaningful. Like, I don't know, CANCER, HOMELESSNESS, FOODBANKS, ANIMAL SHELTERS... seriously."

"Why does no one seem to see a problem with this!? She is obviously very immature, not even learning from the admitted mistake of spending "like a maniac on things I shouldn’t have." So let's see: Life Lesson Round I...points awarded to life, she wasn't smart enough to stay out of debt in the first place (little secret: it's not that hard!)."

"You are disgusting."

"I just don't get why anyone would give her money. I mean if you want to donate money, how about a real cause like Alzheimer's, breast cancer, or blind orphans??"

Um, hi, can we say judgemental? I donate to charities (heck, I work for a charity). I sponsor a child through Compassion International. I give money to my church. The hubs and I already have plans to go on medical missions trips once he's a doctor. I once gave my breakfast protein bar to a man who claimed to be hungry, and then he got really mad at me, because apparently he just wanted money (that's not a great example of charity, but it is a funny story). But if I donate a dollar to someone for their wedding, I need to justify spending that dollar on something other than "blind orphans"?? Sorry, random internet judges, I was unaware that I needed to run all of my expenditures by you to make sure they were worthy of your high standards.

And yeah, this bride admitted to spending money on things like shoes and highlights. So that means she's not allowed to want a nice wedding? If no one donates to her and she doesn't find another way to pay for it, then maybe she won't have the wedding of her dreams, but that doesn't mean she's not allowed to ask. Sure, she could take the money she would use for a wedding and give it to a blind orphan. But, let's be really honest right now. The people who wrote those angry comments obviously have internet access and a computer, which they obviously have to pay for. Do they need the internet and a computer? Are those necessities? Are they more important than say, blind orphans? Wouldn't that money be better spent on, I don't know, "CANCER, HOMELESSNESS, FOODBANKS, ANIMAL SHELTERS"? Don't we all regularly spend money on things that aren't necessities just because we want them? If I give $4 to this girl for her wedding, and you give $4 to Starbucks for some coffee or to your internet provider so you can log onto MySpace, what's the difference? Either of us could've donated that particular $4 to charity, both of us chose to do something else with it, and I don't think either of us is wrong.

I'd love to ask all of the people up on their high internet horses if they've ever purchased coffee from Starbucks. Or bought a new outfit they didn't need. Or bought cute shoes because they were having a bad day. Or bought candy or soda. Or if they own a TV. Or ever eat at restaurants. Or bought a newer car when their old one still ran. Or, heck, bought any car at all. Because those things are not necessities, and there is a gigantic portion of the world's population that cannot afford those luxuries. So if people want to be judgemental about people giving a few bucks to help this girl have a nice wedding instead of giving that same money to a charity, they better be donating every extra penny they have to charity, or they're just being hypocritical. It's easy for people to say that she should get married at a courthouse if a big wedding wasn't a priority for them. But what about the things that you want that aren't necessities? Are they really any more important than what this girl wants?

Honestly, the money spent on my wedding could've helped out a few blind orphans, too. But my parents had been saving it for me as a surprise. As a gift. And if I'd been like, "hey, thanks for saving up for years for your daughter's wedding. I know that it was important to you to help me pay for this special day, but I gave all of your money away to someone else," they would've been crushed. So if this girl asks for money for her wedding, and people want to give her money for her wedding, that's what she should spend it on.

I'm not judging anyone who doesn't donate to charity, or who has internet access, or who drinks Starbucks (I'm a total addict). What I am saying is that it's a bit much to insinuate that everyone who gives her money is doing something wrong by not giving that money to a charity. Unnecessary spending is unnecessary spending, no matter where it's going, and if I choose to give this girl a few dollars, that doesn't make me a bad person. Calling her "disgusting" is uncalled for. You might not like her priorities, you might think her way of raising money for her wedding is lacking in class, but does that mean you should resort to calling her names? Like millions of other women in this country, this blogger wants a nice wedding. That's really no reason to insult her.

Anyway... I'm done ranting. If you think her idea is tacky, awesome. That is totally your prerogative, and I have no problem with that. If you hate the idea, don't donate. It's not a big deal. If you think your money would be better spent by a reputable charity, I recommend that you check out Charity Navigator to find a reputable, responsible charity to donate to. But let's lay off of this "you should be donating every dollar you have to blind orphans, you selfish jerk" nonsense.

I'm curious - what do you all think of her idea? Brilliant? Tacky? Are you jealous that you didn't think of it first?


Jen - The Secret Keeper said...

I think she's pretty clever to have thought of it because you'll always find someone who'll donate a little.

I personally wouldn't donate because if she has always wanted that big wedding maybe she should've spent a little less on shoes hehe or she should trying saving (I haven't read her blog so I don't know if that's something she's doing).

I definitely wouldn't be mean about it though, if people don't agree with her way of doing things they should read her blog - it's title is what it is about so it's pretty clear!!

Hmm...I might change my mind if I ever get a rock on my finger and find myself in the same situation hehe x

Curly Muse said...

I see your points... but the people do say that money people donate to her could be given to other causes... if you want something for yourself (cars, shoes, make up,clothes, weddings) then pay for them yourself. That is what I think people are saying-if you want it then go get it, dont ask- My friend had a destination wedding in the bahamas and she and her hubby worked their butts off to pay for it and it was grand and beautiful. So its possible. I would never ask for money for such a thing-it does sound selfish and tacky- but oh well, I plan to get married through a drive through anyways. LOL

Tova Darling said...

Jen - You have a point that if a big wedding was a priority, she could've started saving sooner. She just got engaged recently, and I think she is saving money now, but maybe saving before she got engaged just didn't occur to her.

Curly - you're right that the ideal situation is that people will pay for their own things without asking anyone for help. But I still maintain that if people want to give to her, that's their prerogative, and if not, they should spend their money however they want. I just think it's hypocritical for people to criticize those who donate to her for not donating to charity instead, and it's making the assumption that people who donate to her don't also donate to charity.

SkylersDad said...

Personally, I have very limited funds to donate to anything. My form of giving has to come from donating my time to something, or donating hand me downs to charities.

I will not be visiting her place, and I do think she is asking too much.

Julie said...

I think it's ballsy to ask, but never hurts right? There are people who will send her money and those who will find her request ridiculous.

I don't fall into either category!

Hey, come see my new blog layout. I figured out how to disguise my wrinkles as puzzle pieces. Genius!

Tova Darling said...

Skyler's Dad - I think that a lot of people (especially in today's economy) do not have a lot of extra income to spend on things other than necessities, and I'm not criticizing that. I know that in your situation, you have much more important things to be spending your money on. It just makes me mad that people are implying that by donating to her, it must mean that her donors are NOT donating to charities.

Julie - I love it!! Is that a real puzzle of you??

Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

I find it to be on the tacky side but the part that concerns me the most is that she is putting such a priority on the "wedding". Will she be putting that much emphasis on the "marriage"? The wedding, in the long run, means nothing. Really. It doesn't mean you'll be happier than someone that got married in their backyard, it doesn't mean your husband will be more faithful than the guy that got married down at City Hall. It's one night that people have been convinced by The Wedding Industry that it's THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE so you must spend the equivalent of a down payment for a home on one night. That's why I would not consider donating to her.

Sarah said...

Hi, Tova. I say props to her for being gutsy enough to go for it. Like you, my parents paid for my wedding and it was a gorgeous wedding, although it was quite a bit less than this particular bride's lowball number. As far as the donations, people are entitled to spend their own money any way they'd like. You see people asking for donations for all kinds of things on the internet and in real life - for charities, for help paying for medical costs for sick family members, for fertility treatments, etc, etc. Why shouldn't she jump on the band wagon and ask for help for her wedding? I do think she might need to scale back some of her expectations slightly, especially if she wants to buy a house. I don't know her personally so I can't judge, but I do know that it appears many brides get wrapped up more in the wedding, which is just one day. It's the marriage that counts. I may or may not give her a dollar - I don't know. I do know that if I give her a dollar, that doesn't mean I will spend a dollar less on the other things we donate to.

Gwen B. (aka skinny bitch) said...

There's an award waiting for you at my blog! go get it!!!

E said...

I say, good for her for having the balls to ask. If she doesn't ask then the answer is already no.

She is honest about what she wants and about being in debt and why she is in debt.

Wanting a beautiful wedding does not make someone spoiled. Women are bombarded by images of what their wedding "should be" and that ideal wedding is never cheap.

I donate to charities every month and I work for social services and just because I give her a few dollars doesn't mean those other charities are missing out on money I would have given them. It means maybe I will be getting one less latte from starbucks this month.

Again, props to her for asking. She is not demanding money, she is ASKING. It never hurts to ask. And if people choose not to donate, that is their decision, but to name call and berate her is just ridiculous and mean.

LegalMist said...

I admit, my first reaction was along the lines of, "What an entitled yuppie b---" My second thought was about how out-of-control the whole wedding industry is, and how people get so caught up in planning their "perfect wedding."

But you are right, if I don't like the cause I don't have to donate, and there is no reason to berate her on her site (or elsewhere, really) for just asking... and if people want to finance her "life dream" intead of (or in addition to) their own, well, more power to them.

I absolutely think it's tacky to beg for money for one's dream wedding (see Miss Manners re: the etiquette of asking others for money to pay for one's own luxuries -- it's a real manners "no-no"), but "tacky" isn't a crime, and I agree with you that donating to her cause is no worse than spending extra money on a latte or 12 or a movie or HD Television or any of the other gazillions of luxury items Americans buy every year.

And I admit my husband and I had a very fun, and not inexpensive, wedding reception, so who am I to judge the amount of money someone else wants to spend? If she can swing it, with or without the help of willing donors, well, good for her. But that doesn't mean I'm going to help. :)

The internet judges should, indeed, get off their high horses and quit berating her about cancer, orphans and other causes. It's apples and oranges, really.

Moi said...

Okay, I totally agree with the donating issue and that she need not be called names or those donating be judged by any means.

I also agree with the "it's her perogative" debate - I mean if you can ask and people will help...then ask

I just have to pull the tacky card out! just because people will donate to a cause doesnt mean that the person asking is necessarily in the right. I wouldnt call her names over it - but i dont really think it sounds very classy either. but good luck to her!
I'm with the lady who mentioned the saving money for a home, etc....shouldnt that be more important than asking strangers to save for your big day?

i call it tacky.

B.E. Earl said...

I think it's pretty tacky, but no skin off my nose. I'm not gonna go berate her or her donors for it.

You write "if people want to help you pay for your wedding, who am I to judge?" Agreed, but you didn't ask anyone to help you with your wedding. Your parents did it without your knowledge. To come right out and ask complete strangers...that's a horse/ass of a different color.

Joanie M said...

I think it's a clever way to get money for her wedding. I doubt very much that I'd make a donation, but I don't begrudge her the chance to do just that. At least she's being honest in her endeavor to raise the funds!

If I could get away with throwing a beef and beer to raise money to help get me out of debt, I'd do it!

Laura said...

It's not something that I would have personally done. You can't blame her though for having a dream and wanting to find a way to make it come true. It's obviously peoples own choice to donate or not so more power to her.

Miss E said...

Hmmm, I'm not ballsy enough to put myself out there, but if someone is willing to do it - and someone is willing to donate - then who am I to judge?

Gwen B. (aka skinny bitch) said...

I agree with you. At first I thought this girl ruined her own wedding dreams by being selfish and spending money carelessly. Then I considered the thought that, well it doesn't make her out of place to ask for money still.

I still wont giver her money because yes I would rather not give into her clever attempt to raise money from strangers. I think she should have smarter and saved up if she always wanted a nice wedding (just makes her seem lazy to me) but that isn't to say it is wrong for her to do what she is doing with that blog.

I think most people who leave the nasty comments are just jealous that someone can actually get away with having money thrown at them from strangers. If you feel that way, then just don't give her your money to prove a point, don't say nasty things. Wont prove anything. They are just jealous they can't so something like that

Just goes to show you how money can corrupt people into hating someone just for getting handouts for a wedding that she didn't save for

Mrs. Newlywed said...

I think it is weird, and I think it puts too much emphasis on the whole "wedding."

This from a girl who only had a big wedding, because my parents begged me.

All you need to get married is a Priest/judge and your significant other.

It is so much more than one day.

...but to each their own.

Sandi said...

I hate the internet judges. Have you noticed most of their parents named them anonymous? What are the odds?

I think it is a great idea. If people want to help they can, if they don't there was no harm in asking. I think she is brilliant!

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

I think financial maturity and planning is something anyone could improve, if they wanted to. Nobody's perfect - least of all young people. Tacky? Genius? I don't care one way or the other - nobody's forcing me to go to her site or donate money. That's the point, isn't it? It's an option. The judges seem to have enough time on their own hands to do some much needed charity work, no? Maybe it's a pc way for them to spread hate. Who knows - but kudos, Tova for speaking out.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I think she's brilliant, and it's no one's business whether people choose to contribute to her dream day or not. God, I hate those people that come out of the woodwork like the worms they are and judge other people's harmless decisions. And by harmless, I mean none of their f'ing business. If her having a nice wedding is not hurting them in some way, stfu!

Tranquility said...

Haha... I think it's amazing what people decide to get worked up over.

It's her blog to use however she wishes. I wouldn't have the nerve to ask anyone to pay for my wedding, but if she is comfortable with the idea, then it doesn't hurt to ask, right? And if there are people out there who remember how wonderful their own weddings were and wish to help a young woman to be able to experience the same, then I think that's wonderful too!

The concept strikes me as a little strange, but the world is full of strange, so... whatever. ;)

If people don't wish to help, then that's ok too, but they should keep their negative comments to themselves. People can post about, or spend their money on, whatever they wish - it's still a free country, right?

Lady Jane said...

I truly enjoyed your post! While first reading about the blog in the beginning I crinkled up my nose but you made a ton of good points and very valid ones. I am a social I understand the need out there, but I think charity comes in all differnt forms. Its all about helping out your fellow neighbors. Charity isn't about who you give it to its about where it comes from ( the heart). Thats all that matters. I have to wonder about the people who leave such nasty comments...if they are so into charity and doing good work.... why tear down others. That doesn't seem very charitable

Adriana said...

Interesting. It's not something I would ever donate to b/c for the time being we don't have a lot of extra and are pretty choosey about where it goes. On the other hand I think that the bad comments is just part of the blog world. When you put yourself out there for the world to read about you should expect the jugements to go both ways. It wouldn't be real if no one had an adverse opinion and everything was just roses. I don't think people should be mean and if they have something to say they shouldn't be annonymous either. Maybe we should start a site to help pay off our over whelming amount of student loans that paid for our hubs to get through college and medical school.

Former Fat Chick said...

OMG Piece of Coconut cake! You had an insane wedding, I was there....every girl wants to have a beautiful wedding, she just found a creative way to do it! big deal....Big or small, weddings say nothing about what your marriage will be. Believe me, I got married in 2 weeks, at my Mom and Dad's house 6 weeks pregnant at 18, I am SURE everyone thought we would not last 1 year, that was almost 19 years ago...

Fabulously Broke said...


If I donate a $1 or $2, then I want a say in her wedding and what she picks with that $1 or $2.

It's on the same lines as selling your virginity, to me.

Especially in light of this recession, she should grow up, get a job, save for the wedding she can afford, not the one she wants and take her lumps like everyone else who had to struggle to pay for their big day.

Spoiled I say.

Fabulously Broke in the City

"Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver."

Dingo said...

I don't entirely agree with the people who say she should donate to other "worthy" causes. There's always going to be some cause out there that someone thinks is more worthy than the one you like.

What I find most offensive about these blow out weddings is that most women seem more excited about the wedding than about the marriage. Shouldn't you be more excited to be marrying the love of your life? If you can't have the super-duper, Princess Diana wedding what's wrong with a scaled down, affordable wedding. It's ultimately about the marriage and not about the wedding, right?

The thing is, she's created a blog to help pay for her "dream" wedding when many people these days are trying to make ends meet. She's asking for money from people she doesn't know to so she's gonna get well-wishers and naysayers.

I say that it's incredibly tacky. Incredibly. Tacky. I wouldn't go onto her site to say it but since you asked, I'm giving you my opinion.

Oh, and is anyone going to be surprised if there's a follow-up: Help Pay For My Honeymoon!

MY said...

Just thought I'd mention that the follow-up existed BEFORE the blog that incited such a tirade. It's called a Honeymoon Registry.

And what's a registry besides asking people to buy you things? It's the first thing people ask when you send them an invitation.

Frankly, if you have all the THINGS you need, why get a registry? (We're not.) Why not spend money on the celebration, and on the PEOPLE that will be celebrating with you?


The Queen of Hearts said...

I love your writing style! You are such a clever and fun read.

gangsta bride said...

Great post! I couldn't agree more. Too many internet haters!

moralia said...

Tacky with a capital "T". The sense of 'entitlement' is disgusting.

Dingo.. you make me laugh @ the "Help Pay For My Honeymoon" bit.. lmao!!

Kara said...

The difference between my spending money on my Starbucks habit is that the $4 I pay for my latte is MONEY I EARNED MYSELF.

I buy that latte a few times a week and I still didn't need to ask other people (complete strangers) to pay for my wedding. Or my vacation. Or my car. Or my home.

If you can't afford it, then you shouldn't be buying it. You especially shouldn't be asking complete strangers to GIVE you money for something that you don't need.

I think it's disgusting that anyone would actually contribute to this spoiled baby's wedding fund, much less defend it on her blog.

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

I'm laughing now because I think I spotted a comment paster. Is it true? Do you really know The Queen of Hearts who left a generic "i love your blog" comment and ended with her own blog address? Does she really love you, Tova, or would she have pasted this comment on an informational post about ceiling fans?

Sorry, I didn't come here for this, just caught it and thought I'd have a laugh. (see? here i go making fun... call me the pot)

unemployed bride said...

you are my hero.

JaCee13 said...

I have to admit that I think she's very clever for thinking this one up. I do work very hard for my money and when the day comes for me to pay for a wedding there will not be any savings from my parents, it's all up to me and my man.

That being said, I'd like to share a similar story of a woman who asked for money from strangers. At a local pub in my town one weekend a 20 something gal had a huge donation bucket for new boobs! Yes, boobs - and she promised to come back and show them to all the men who gave her a few bucks...

It took her about 5 hrs on a Saturday to earn the few THOUSAND dollars that she needed for this surgery.

So, yeah - clever - ballsy - tacky, but hey, To each His Own right?

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks. ~ Calvin & Hobbes