Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Not the answer you were looking for

So, I'm mildly obsessed (is that an oxymoron?) with Google Analytics. For those of you who may not know, Google Analytics tells you all sorts of interesting things about your blog (or other website) traffic: how many visitors you have, where they're from, how long they spent looking at your site, etc. My favorite feature is the "search terms" which tells you what word or phrase someone typed into a search engine that led them to your blog. That one is SO much fun, because it cracks me up when I know that people had to be completely disappointed when they see that my blog isn't at all what they were looking for. For example, ever since my Totally Awkward Tuesday post about a completely innocuous, modest shirt that for some unexplained reason reminded my ex boyfriend's mom of kinky sex, I regularly get visitors who found my blog when they searched for the phrase "kinky sex." And you know they've got to be so mad when they're like, "Yess! A blog about kinky sex!! ...wait... this is just a picture of a shirt with safety pins on it." Hahaha! I crack up just thinking about it.

Other real search phrases that have led people to my blog include:

"Congratulations! You have matched," "medical residency matching program," and other variations on that theme. - I'm totally an expert on Match Day!

"Picture of my feet" - At least they got what they wanted with this one.

I've lost my phone and it's on vibrate - You and me both, friend. Did you check under your ottoman?

Nothing smells as good as Tova - Thanks! I wear Curve Crush.

Subway eat fresh porn - What would that even look like???

What to do when he says let's be friends - Just move on, honey.

Birth control: rhythm method vs. lucky rabbit's foot - They may or may not be equally effective. Good luck with that.

And my very favorite... Can I get pregnant if my husband... (I'm censoring this one. Let's just say that her husband deposited his, um, seed in somewhere other than her baby-making area.) - Unfortunately, my blog didn't answer this question when this poor wife did a search, so I'll remedy that right now. The answer is no. You're welcome.

If you have Google Analytics (or something else that tells you what search terms brought people to your blog), what's the funniest phrase that brought someone to you? And if you don't have it yet, what are you waiting for?


Girl On A Journey said...

Im so signing up forr analytics

P.S that last question LOL

Jen - The Secret Keeper said...

I've got Wordpress Stats and the most shocking I've had so far is "how do I lose my virginity" closely followed by "losing virginity and bruising". Although, LiLu was talking about something she'd been Googled for and so i searched something ridiculous to find her (it's easily done with her little potty mouth hehe) - she's not had it through yet though hehe! xx

Moi said...

trying to figure out where that is on google analytics...I am a bit new to it

Former Fat Chick said...

one of my top one's is "HAIRY FAT GIRLS" bOy that sure makes me sound attractive!

Curly Muse said...

Where do I put the tracking code ont he blogger?

Gaston Studio said...

I'm there!

lgk said...

Tee-hee. I'm an Analytics addict as well. I blame it on being a statistics junkie.

I write a food blog that is fairly new, so I haven't received a lot of search hits, but the most amusing to me so far is "tofu getting used to eating." New vegetarian I guess. Hope they enjoyed my tofu stir fry and eggplant tofu curry recipes!

Tova Darling said...

Girl On A Journey - You definitely should! It's a lot of fun!

Jen - Oh my gosh! I feel a little worried by the "bruising" part of it. The answer to the first question is pretty easy, though. "Have sex."

Moi - It's under "Traffic Sources overview," under the heading "keywords."

Former Fat Chick - AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well, they were probably dissapointed, seeing as you're neither fat nor hairy.

Curly Muse - I clicked on "Edit HTML" on my blog layout page, then I added it at the very bottom.

Gaston - Yay! Let me know what great search terms you get.

Igk - I bet they did enjoy those! Actually, they sound good to me, and I'm not even a tofu kind of girl.

B.E. Earl said...

One of my favorite search items is "Trinidad whores".

I don't recall ever blogging about Trinidad, but I'm at my quota for blogging about whores.

SkylersDad said...

This is brilliant!

Cathy said...

I love my google analytics! I periodically post an "Adventures in Google Searching" blog, and it's just about time for Volume 3.

My favorite search so far has been "I had to pee running my pants". The worst part? That was *before* I posted the blog about peeing in the parking lot!

Laura said...

I just posted about my own stuff. People are crazy.

LegalMist said...


those are classics!!


Haha wow I am gonna check it.

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

Subway eat fresh porn!?! What the hell?

I must be boring... my blog never gets any fun searches. They're always stupid, which might say too much about me.

Tova Darling said...

I hope to see a ton of new "search terms" posts from all of you!

Nikki said...

I tried to install it but it seems I am not smart enough!
FeedJit once told me someone found me by searching for animal sex.

Amber said...

I just found your blog and you're hilarious!

weirdotheblog said...

"Reasons to date a weirdo"

Umm... because we're amazing, yo!

Also, my top search term now is "Threesome"... they must have been so dissapionted!

~E said...

someone got directed to your blog because they wanted to see pictures of feet?


Personally I am here because of the kinky sex.

Children of the Nineties said...

Most of these are creepy on so many levels. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one compulsively monitoring my Analytics.

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks. ~ Calvin & Hobbes