Wednesday, January 13, 2010

These things have nothing to do with one another

-I recently learned that Caesar dressing has anchovies and raw egg yolk in it and that salmonella can be carried on the shell of an egg, not inside. So if you wash an egg with antibacterial soap before cracking it, you lower your chances of getting salmonella if you eat something with raw eggs in it.

- I will have four days of substitute teaching this week. I'm totally a productive member of society!

- Which brings me to this subbing quote (about my eyes, again. Apparently none of these children have ever seen green eyes):
Girl With Hand On Hips Who Is Looking At Me Distrustfully: "You are wearing contacts."
Me: "Nope."
GWHOHWILAMD: "Uh, yeah you are."
Me: "Nope, no contacts."
GWHOHWILAMD: "There is NO way your eyes are that color."

- Yesterday, I went shopping for "teacher" clothes. (I worked in an office for four years, but since I dealt with people mostly on the phone and not in person, I sometimes dressed a little less than professionally. Since I'm teaching now, I need to beef up my professional wardrobe.) I bought a pair of forest green dress pants for $10. Can I wear green pants without looking like a weirdo? Stay tuned to find out.

- I also found a sweater/ shawl thing that I'm not totally sure I understand, but it was $4, so I bought it. (If there was a shopping Olympics, I'd be sure to get a medal.) The sweater has long sleeves, the back is short like a shrug, it's open in the front, and the front hangs down long, like a shawl. I can't find a picture of what I mean, so hopefully the fashionistas among you know what I mean and can tell me how to wear it. Wrap the front around my neck? Leave it hanging? Use it to lasso misbehaving kids? Help!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Eyes like a cheetah

Today, I substitute taught fifth grade. There were three classes that switched for three different periods. Luckily for me (and for the youth of America), I filled in for the Language Arts teacher and not for the math teacher.

There was the normal ratio of class clowns to obedient kids, and apparently the teacher rewards the obedient children by letting them eat lunch with her. I let one class clown eat with me and the good children, because toward the beginning of class he sadly told me that he sucks at everything and it broke my heart. So apparently I don't reward good behavior so much as sadness.

Fifth graders are still young enough to think it's cool to hug a teacher, but old enough to ask me for advice on what to do if they like a boy who doesn't like them (My answer: "Umm, I don't know if there's anything you can do." Really helpful, Tova.) Rather than telling you about the entire day, I will share with you the following quotes -

Me: "What are you eating?"
Student Who Is Chewing Something: "My paper."
Me: "Why are you eating your paper???"
SWICS: "Because I want to."
Me: "Um, we are not eating paper today. Go spit it out."
(SWICS goes to the garbage can, then comes back to his desk. I hand him a new piece of paper.)
SWICS: "Can I eat this one?"

Sweet Little Girl Who Asked For Love Advice: "What does your ring say?"
Me: "It says 'I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.'" (Side note, Mr. D gave me the ring for our third anniversary. Awwww....)
SLGWAFLA: "What language is it in?"
Me: "Latin."
SLGWAFLA: "Are you Latin?"

Adorable Little Boy: "Your eyes look like Cheetah eyes."
Me: "Haha. Thanks?"
ALB: "They kind of freak me out."

Different Boy Who Was Fascinated By My Eyes: "How did your eyes become green?"
Me: "They've always been that color. I was born that way."
(Five minutes pass. DBWWFBME raises hand.)
Me: "Yes?"
DBWWFBME: "How did your eyes become green?"

New Year's Resolutions

So, I realize that I'm six days late with my New Year's post, but since I didn't blog for four whole months, I'm cutting myself a little slack for only being six days behind with this particular post. (For the record, I was totally blogging in my head for my entire four month absence. The words just never quite made it to the computer. When someone invents a computer that can turn your thoughts into blog entries, I will be their first customer.)

This New Year, for the first time in 27 years, I made New Year's resolutions (although I think I can be let off the hook for not making resolutions for at least the first five of those years.) I never really got around to making them before. But this year I decided that I was going to join the rest of humanity in resolving to do things.

My resolutions were as follows:

1. Read the Bible daily. (So far, so good.)
2. Go to the gym twice a week. (It's January sixth, and I haven't been to the gym once this year. So far, um, I stink.)
3. Blog three times a week. (Too bad I didn't think of making this resolution last year. And technically, I didn't make it on January 1st this year, either. It took a few days for me to think of it.)

I've covered spiritual health, physical health and mental health in my resolutions, and I'm giving myself a big ol' pat on the back. Not a bad start for a first-timer. (Although the fact that I've already almost broken resolution number two without keeping it for even a week is not so great.)

So, what were your resolutions? Since I'm new to resolving to do things, maybe I can gather a few tips from everyone else's resolutions.

Monday, January 4, 2010

I'm Internet Famous

No, not me, you! (Well, and me too.)

If you're like 99% of the population, you are on Facebook daily. And if you're reading this blog, you're probably a blogger yourself. So you should probably join my new Facebook group, "I'm Internet Famous."

C'mon, all the cool kids are doing it!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

I am not dead!

After a blogging absence this long, I feel like I should have a really awesome excuse, such as "My computer self-destructed" or "I lost both of my hands in a hideous typing accident," but the truth of the matter is that there is no good reason for me being MIA from the blogosphere for the past four months. None. Seriously. I can't even make anything up that sounds semi-plausible, so I'm just going to move on and pretend that I didn't randomly abandon my blog for no particular reason. Those of you who are still subscribers despite four months of silence are awesome and sexy. Or you forgot to unsubscribe. But either way, thanks! I am looking forward to visiting all of your blogs again! Except that one random guy whose blog I've never read but who asked where I bought my writing degree. (Kmart, for the record.) Moving on...

What have I been doing in the last four months? Thanks for asking! Mr. Darling and I have settled very nicely into our new city, he loves his residency, and I have a lot of very wonderful friends here with whom I spend my oodles and oodles of free-time. I still (after seven months) haven't found semi-regular part-time employment, so I have been doing the following things to fill the void left by going from full-time employment to unemployment:

1. I teach a writing class to adult who are learning English. It's volunteer, so I don't get a paycheck, but it's exciting and challenging and somewhat intimidating. I get an opportunity to make use of my writing degree (from Kmart), and it will look good on a resume should I ever find employment. (Let's be honest - I've totally stopped looking.)

2. Five months after I applied for roughly ten substitute teaching jobs (which I may or may not have mentioned was the type of job I planned to get upon moving), I heard back from two schools (charter schools run by the same company) and was hired as a substitute. After spending two months being fingerprinted, having my degree verified, being checked out by the FBI, etc, I officially became a substitute teacher. So far, I've subbed once. It was a third grade class, and I had to reprimand two little boys for drawing penises.

3. I'm selling Pampered Chef. Technically, I may not be allowed to mention that on here, but since I'm not trying to sell to any of you, I don't know why it would matter.

4. I teach a Sunday School class and lead a Wednesday night church group for 6 and 7 year old girls. Both groups of children crack me up on a regular basis, and leading the group means keeping a straight face when little girls ask you to pray that their dogs won't stink.

5. I spend hours, and hours, and hours on Facebook.

So, there you have it. My last four months in a nutshell. Maybe I'll do some sort of contest to entice my wonderful readers to come back. Any suggestions?

Thanks for reading! I promise to try not to randomly disappear again.
In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks. ~ Calvin & Hobbes